Today, I realised, we all have special talents. We just need to find it.

And other people’s happiness and sometimes be yours.

I’m humbled.

Hierarchy.

Hierarchy.

I shouldn’t be writing this. I know I shouldn’t. and those who read this, please don’t be offended.

I feel like I’ve let myself down, and my class down. I know, I know, the tests this year don’t matter, and the ranking doesn’t matter as well, but the fact that the “lower-ranking” classes were able to produce such results that even we, the “higher-ranking” class were not able to do kinda stings abit. ABIT. The fact that our class were unable to even produce that single quality result stings.

The fact that I was doing crapply in the tests, and then losing to people who I should indeed be beating, kinda stings. Don’t hate me, I’m happy for you people. I just feel like I totally underachieved for this test, and I normally wouldn’t care, but the banding thing really gets to me, I just think that if people are able to produce quality results that WE(s4) are unable to produce, then WHY THE FUCK are we in S4? I feel like I should be in some S6 1/2 , that exists only for the super noob noob people. The hierarchy gets to you. Really really does.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! WHY? I normally don’t feel so crappy after tests. But today, it got to me.

And I will get an A for the organic chem test. I will. WILL. not try. I FUCKING WILL.

Yes, it’s that time of the year again.

I remember writing the first ever post in this blog. I wasn’t in a very good state then. Everything was going wrong. Grandma, love, studies. I guess I can safely say that every year, there is bound to be that period for me. That period whereby everything seems to go wrong, you can no longer control your life because you’re unable to rewind time, and the mistakes you’ve made will stay with you for the rest of your life. The feeling of insecurity, “how did that person feel after I replied her like that” (btw, this is about a teacher.) Every plan you make seems to go wrong, and you know you’re completely to be blamed for it.

I’ll admit it. I screwed up for recruitment. I’ll be the one to blame if the entire CCA comes crumbling down after this year. I’ll be the one to blame if we have 5 members in our CCA. I want to know that everything will be ok. That we’ll have an adequate number of people in our cca so that ms ni doesn’t come for my head. I wish we were more popular. Why did I join TDS/Podium? I mean, sure, i’ve got logic. But I never really cared for the CCA, tbh. I just went for the sake of going, and I’m not gonna lie to you, when I heard that debate closed down, I wasn’t really giving a shit anymore. I was never interested in drama, and I probably never will. But now i’m the vice, and I can’t leave. I shouldn’t anyway, it’s only 4 more months. But I think these 4 months may be the hardest that I’ll go through. I seem so lost as a vice-president. I don’t know anything about this cca tbh, I’m just so so so lost.

And these days, everything I do seems to anger Ms Ni. From the flyers, to telling her that I didn’t want to be part of the NDP committee, to failing recruitment. Boy, the next 10 months couldn’t finish faster. I just want to finish this, and start anew. I want to correct my mistakes, I do, but I can’t. so all I can hope for now is a fresh start, and hopefully some damage control for the next few months. Until I leave. Leave for good.

God, please protect me. I could use the help dealing with the distractions and dangers that come from TDS and Ms Ni, and everything else. Please. Please. Thank you.

Amen.

Impression counts.

What’s your impression of me?

Will you remember that when we leave the school?

screw you today.

WHAT A FUCKED UP DAY.

Today, something dawned upon me, which I’m not going to say, cause it’s embarrasing.

And to add on to that, the additional stress which has been put on me.
Concurrent activities/things that I have to do :
Podium Vice President
Choir Musical
Lots of homework.
Revision for A’s.

Should I be complaining?

FUCK TODAY.

slowly.

Today, I learnt that it’s possible to hurt someone unconsciously with your words.

As she was talking about another boy, it slowly cut my heart. slowly but surely, building a framework for my heart to shatter to bits.

I’m not gonna say this again. You’re cool, mysterious, and AWESOME. peace.

Good? or bad?

I don’t know if I should be honoured, or sad.

Today, I went for the choir audition, and I realised I got a part which I didn’t audition for, and they actually CREATED a part for me. This is definitely similar to that of the “admin head” position that I got in podium/TDS.

Having a position created for you, is that good or bad? It’s good because I guess they feel that you have the potential to do something well, and hence they created that position for you. But it’s bad because they felt that you haven’t had the ability to perform for that role, and hence have created a role for you.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m just a substitute that they felt would go to waste if not used. This sucks.

Somebody tell me. Good or bad?

Realisation.

Today I realised a couple of things.

1. I prioritize my friends before my schoolwork. ( which is strange because today I had a buttload of time to catch up on overdue homework. ) ( btw, emma don’t worry. =) )

2. I found out the importance of class bonding. ( today I had an awesome session of studying with a study group that wasn’t even initiated. It just happened by itself. Damn, that’s cool. )

3. I have no more time to blog. D:

It’s so depressing to try and fail at cheering someone up.

and yet you know that person is in love with someone else.

My 2 biggest worries this year.

Health & Academics.