Someday

Wow it’s been long.

I got so lazy I didn’t even bother to write a birthday post, but I will write one for the end of this year because…. I feel like every year should end off with a review you know? Like, an after-action-review, to see what I can improve on for this year. Haha, so much technicality.

Christmas is lonely this year. I feel bored and alone. I’ve got nowhere to go this weekend, nothing to do, noone to meet up with. Close friends have better people to meet up with, family is not around, people don’t care. I’m so whiny. God.

Maybe someday this will change. Maybe someday i’ll be happy. And maybe someday we’ll be friends again. And maybe someday I’ll be a priority. Maybe.

I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed writing. Blogging. Thinking. Everything’s just been passing so fast. And ugh, so complicated. And so confusing. Need. to think things through.

If I can’t even figure myself out, can’t even know myself, then what’s the point? What’s the point of wanting to be in a relationship? Cause you know, it’ll just be all sad and shit.

I think I’ve finally figured out what I want. Or at least, I’m getting there. Being single is fine. It’s pretty awesome actually. Well, that’s one-sided considered I’ve never really been on the other side, but, I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Read more. Write more. Write better. Glee.

Come back to me.

Is dependency really that bad? Do we feel like being independent is the better option because we’ve been led to believe that way? Yeah, I mean, I understand that being too dependent is just, ugh. Like, you need people around too much. But, you can’t deny the fact that, in one way or another, we all have to be dependent on someone else in our life.

Friends, family, loved ones. You name it. Have we really grown apart that much for you to not be able to depend on me anymore? You used to come to me for anything previously, what’s changed? You probably don’t even read this anymore, but it doesn’t matter. If you asked me, I’d say I miss you. so much. Our closeness, our friendship, I thought it was unique to us. I thought that this bonding would be something that we both would cherish for a long time. I guess, it’s just me.

I miss listening to you. Because you made me think. You say your rants are useless, but they’re really not. I really appreciated them. I like listening to them. I do. So, whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you. And God knows, I’m free as hell. I miss you. Come back to me.

What if you make a promise, but the person you made it to doesn’t want you to keep it? Is it morally wrong then?Who knew promises were so hard to keep?

I promised to be there till the end, obviously you didn’t feel the same.

My life. Is. such. a mess.

It was JUST a week ago, I promised myself that I’d be a better man.

One week later, I’m saying I’m such a fucking mess. I’ve made some stupid STUPID decisions, and I’ve lived to regret them. And I can’t run. I shouldn’t run.

But what’s the point of man-ing up to your mistakes if it doesn’t make you feel good? What’s the point if it just makes you feel like shit, if it just makes you feel less of a man than you already were?

My “best friend” (note the quotation marks) hasn’t spoken to me in 3 weeks. Because she couldn’t give a fuck more, and I’m tired of giving way too many fucks. I really miss the other girl, as a friend, because we used to have so much fun and were way too cool with each other and it just sucks. My “close friends” have disappeared, and in their place, army boys. Why can’t I have both? Is it too much to ask to have my close friends remain as my close friends? Am I THE ONLY ONE who gives fucks about our friendships?

and then some…

My life’s such a mess. Let’s hope it gets better after tomorrow. Please. Please. I’m begging.

End of BMT

It’s been a long 19 weeks guys. I’m really proud of every single Gryphon warrior and we’ll all come so far since we enlisted on the 17th of Feb. We’ve all lost so much weight and it’s really amazing when I look back at our old photos and see how fat we all used to be.

We’ve been through thick and thin, from doing 15min bridges to having 3 mins to eat to being all emotional at field camp to being high at coy cohesion to having a blast at recruits night to abrasions and blisters during our final route march to standing tall and proud at the marina floating platform.

Platoon 2, we’ll always had our differences, especially coming from Bronco and Eagle. But I’m glad and so proud to be from platoon 2 because despite everything, we were able to work together when it mattered most. We pulled through as a Platoon and noone fell out during the 24km route march. I am so honoured to have met every single one of you and I hope that we keep our friendships alive even though we will now be split up and carrying on with our own lives.

I’ve gotten to know some of you Platoon 1 guys better through Sit Test and I wish we had bonded earlier. You guys have been great friends and I hope that we will be able to keep in contact.

As for commanders, Thank you for everything that you have done for us. I know we’ve been a rough batch, but I hope that we have done enough to make you proud and know that you have truly impacted our lives forever and have transformed us, or at least me, into a man that I can be proud of.

One Heart, One Mind. Gryphon Warriors forever.

-space-

I for one, can say that I’m glad to finish BMT. It’s been a great 19 weeks. Looking back, I know I’ve given my all and that I am now proud to call myself a Private. That aside, I think I’ve truly changed as a person. I’ve become more responsible, more mature, and I think a more morally upright person. I know that I’ve got some way to go before I become the person I truly want to be, but for now, I’m proud of the progressed I’ve achieved.

I’ve definitely also become thinner and more self-confident. I used to be so self-conscious, being so ashamed and embarrassed to go out with my older friends because I had grown so fat, but I am sure now that I am no longer this way, and I’m so happy for this.

Thank you for those who have supported me through these 19 weeks, and sorry for those that I’ve hurt along the way. From here on out, I think I can start being the man I want to be, and I am going to continue improving myself.

P.O.P LO!

Do you embrace your flaws?

“You have a great need for other people to like and admire you. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage.

While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.

You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.

At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. Security is one of your major goals in life.”

This is so true it’s unreal. I guess I know personally that these things are true, but should I change them? The bad, the good, the ugly? Or should I stick to them because they make me unique in my own way? If everyone changes their bad to good, does that mean that noone is unique anymore? Because everyone is now the perfect individual? Do you embrace your flaws as your personality, or try to change them so that you become someone who is loved by everyone because they don’t have a reason to hate you?

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When you do something that’s against your morals, does that make you any less of a man than the one you wanted to be? In a moment of rage/anger/craziness, you do something that you strongly believe against, does that make you a worse person? Are we allowed to make mistakes? Do we allow ourselves to make mistakes that we strongly believe we shouldn’t?

I’ve always told myself that everything I do in life, I just want to be happy with the people around me, and that every action holds its consequence, and that I should be man enough to accept the consequence, no matter how severe. This week was crappy, no doubt. I should’ve man-ed up, and told you in the face. I was pressured, and did it so…sloppily and insincerely. I should man up and apologise, but you probably won’t even reply to my text/msn, lest meet up with me. So, if you read this, I apologise and please text me so we can talk about it.

Secondly, am I man enough to put my university spot and future on the line just so that I can sleep at night, knowing that I haven’t let someone take the fall for me? I should’ve checked thoroughly, and I didn’t. If Jia Qi gets charged for it, will I be man enough to take the responsibility, knowing clearly that I should have checked, and that I was the one who could’ve prevented this whole situation? Will I have the guts and risk everything that I have to clear this conscience of mine? I don’t know…

I don’t feel like the man I want to be. The man of substance, quality and talent. I see everyone living up to their potential, and I’m just… here. Of no talents. I wish I could do something better. Anything. I wish I knew what I was good at. I just wish I knew.

Wake up Kenneth, wake up and be the change you want to see in yourself.

Friendship.

I think sometimes we just take things for granted. People. Situations. Everything.

Sometimes you feel so lonely, and yet you fail to realise that there are so many people around you that are willing to provide you the comfort that you seek. Is it that we’re used to having these people around that we take them for granted that they’re going to be around forever? Should we not look around for those who are willing to stick around when the going gets tough? Should we be more grateful towards their presence rather than looking for the people that we WANT to be friends with? Should we forget about them the moment we become popular and have a larger quantity of friends to be around? Or should we treasure them for helping us get there, making us and pushing us to be better people than we already were?

Should we always rely on that same person to put in the effort in sustaining the friendship? Will we regret the day when they stop trying, and the friendship ultimately fails because we’ve taken them for granted? Will we long for the day they return to us because that’s the way it’s always been?

Always remember that friendship is a two way street, and just like any two way street, one party always tends to put in more effort/want the relationship more than the other. And there will come a time whereby we just give it all up, will we miss this relationship that we used to have, or just completely forget everything that the other person has done for us, and all the memories that used to come along with that person?

Oh wow.

It’s been so long!

for fuck. Fuck you.

They say that the army is the time when you’re the most lonely (I DON’T KNOW WHO). I really felt the loneliness today. I mean, it’s always been like this, but today was just. bad.

“It’s hard to be 2nd to the people you place 1st.”

I can’t say I don’t care. I do. but fuck. I’m on the verge of giving up.